on a bike crash: there is something about wrecking on your bike that feels so defeating. not sure why this is, but it hurts deeper than the little scuffs you gain on your forearm. when i crashed, i remember feeling the need to cry about it. not so much because of the mild pain the crash caused me to my right hip and elbow but more because of the feeling that i had just failed. when E told me about her bike wreck where she had turned a corner and her front tire suddenly slipped out from under her due to a carpet of soggy leaves, she told me with tears in her eyes and a shaky voice. she cautioned me to always look out for wet leaves on pavement. i heard her caution others about this too. cyclists look out for each other! there must also be something about the spectacle of a bike wreck, which usually happens just as you are in front of or moving through a crowd of people. your cyclist pride is damaged when others watch you fail so hard at something you are usually really good at. al...
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at 11:50 AM there are technically 10 more minutes of morning left. There is family of deer outside my window and Tom Hanks is hosting Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me. Every tap on the keyboard from my long fingernails comes without forethought. And i want to get more in the habit of this. writing without predisposition because maybe more magically sporadical thoughts can come when i have no thoughts to begin with. I also feel that i worry less about reader impression, as if there are any readers of this at all. i think i may be the only person that checks this page, but i am okay with that. i need more practice in honing in the prose of this space before letting others in on my little secret. i revisit this page few and far between but it is something that i feel can play a great role in my future as i think about more traveling opportunities and my every present desire to write things down. i want to work on becoming more marketable. (is that desire also transferable to my REAL LIFE SE...
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i'm feeling dangerously deprived of sleep. my stomach won't rest. my face is burned from both sun and chilly wind. anxiety flows to my fingertips. the muscles in my neck may never be the same. dirt is always under my fingernails. my hair, wiry. lips, chapped. eyes, bloodshot. fatigued & dehydrated. if a lesson in anything, this would be how to care for my health while traveling. traveling doesn't have to be stressful. it doesn't have to mean constant unrest. it's okay to spend money, to indulge. if it means that you get some rest and can replenish, then follow through with it because you will feel all the better through mind and body. i worry a lot about what others think of me as a solo traveler. the same way i do back home-how others think of me as a friend, roommate, or co-worker. i cause myself an unnecessary amount of preoccupation with self. and i'm not sure how to put an end to this, what exercises or meditations i can do. put aside time for myself-...
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the pain came quick, unexpectedly. marching down a hill all day, stumbling amongst rocks and the sun beating down. the trek seemed eternal and i only wanted it to end. when the pain came i didn't stop. for i was so determined that even the prospect of something broken wasn't to deter me from the journey's completion. and it surprised me, how badly i wanted to get back into my world of comfort. it was, after all, what i was trying to escape when i first set out only two days before. to go into the wild on my own and see the forest through a clean lens, without influence or expectation. i just went. and only forty eight hours later i wanted to be done. i felt guilty about this. i wanted to be enjoying myself. and this is the situation i find myself in so commonly. the threat of discomfort keeps me coming back to my old ways. it is good to have these experience though. i find out more clearly what i want, what i am good at, what more i can learn, what i do not care for. fi...
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today i took a drive down a road i had not yet been on. i was driving in search of a farm, but instead was so captivated by the drive that i rejected my initial mission. i drove directly south, on and on. the road dove downward and raised upward. it stretched straight, deeper and deeper into the surrounding forests and wetlands. shaded, then lit, the sunlight and shade took turns laying across the road that took me further into unknown. i watched single lane drives shoot right and left, leading the way to family-sized homes and old barns with breaking wood. i wondered about all the wildlife that had to be peaking out from their tree stands and bouquets of brush and grasses to watch this stranger rush by. in awe, i kept driving. another thought occurred to me. its something that i have been often thinking of lately. the prospect of marriage, of being with somebody for eternity. how badly i want for this to happen for me. and i pictured me with this forever love of mine finding a h...
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killing time kills me on the inside because then i think of all the things i could be doing or the people i could be with like finding my way around colombia in a sunshine city listening to spanish and breathing the culture or building my own farm on the fringes of town like my family they are everywhere and i am too far sometimes, it seems or the one i tell myself could be my comfort
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let's take our time. i wake feeling unrested and not willing to commit to my plans. this is a common direction that my mind tends to wander. but maybe all it takes is some time to let my doubts float away and then become ready for action. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ i had ridden the streets of the city on bicycle before but this time it felt more beautiful. the blocks were buzzing with people and sunshine. it was a saturday, and everyone was out to enjoy themselves in some small or large way. we passed the park that i remember sitting at one day for hours, just watching kids jump in and out of the water fountain while parents sat by, watching closely. when i first saw the park as i passed i felt some silly connection to it and wanted to yell it out to hannah, but figured i didn't need to. i gave the park one last look as we left the intersection. we overshot our destination by a f...